Garfield Land
by ShakespeareHemmingway
Summary: Garfield and Sebastian battle for the soul and meaning of Jazz! Love letter to Hollywood!


Garfield Land

Love Letter to Hollywood!

Sebastian was sitting in LA traffic thinking about how great Jazz is and how he wished he was singing and dancing.

"I sure wish I was singing and dancing and doing jazz." Thought Sebastian with wishing merriment. Sebastian thought that doing Jazz was the number 1 thing to do. If there was better number than 1 than it would be Jazz.

"That's it! I will not suffer traffic! I will sing like the banshee and dance like the leper!" Sebastian said with raging cry. Tears rolled down his girlish face as he leaped from car. Sebastian began twirling and whirling and jumping on cars. People honked at him but he did not care, he was the free spirit of winds. He danced like a man with two legs. As he flapped and flopped about and rolled about singing about traffic and Jazz he saw lovely lady of mystery in peeking distance singing and dancing as well. Her hair fired like burning bridge and her skin was smooth like new born dove. His eyes saw her and his heart felt the beats of his rhythm. He knew she was the one who would understand.

"Hello my name is Sebastian, prince of Jazz. Jazz is the blood that breathes my life." Said Sebastian with prideful love.

"I am Mia I am a Barista but I really want to be an actress." Mia said with longing.

"Acting is for cowards, Jazz is the way to go." Sebastian said with scolding words.

"But, I do not like Jazz." Said Mia with pouting lips.

Sebastian slapped Mia in the face. He then slapped her again.

"You are tasteless IGNORANCE. Jazz is the everything of our reality." Sebastian motioned with scrawny baby arms to the skies. "That is Jazz."

"I am sorry, I will try to understand." Mia said with weeping tears.

"This is good. You will come to my Jazz Club. It is called Lipton's and it is the greatest Jazz club. You will come and respect my might." Sebastian said with sternness.

"Ok." Said Mia with obedience.

"Now you may go, be sure to wear pretty things and be prepared to learn life lesson of Jazz." Sebastian said as he walked away. Sebastian walked down street to his apartment where he saw a baby listening to the Allman Brothers and slapped him in the face. "That is not Jazz." Said Sebastian he walked on after baby slapping.

Sebastian walked with skip in his step because he felt magic of love in his foot. This Mia would understand the meaning of Jazz and be his Jazz princess. He would teach her even if it meant slapping her a thousand times. Sebastian entered his apartment where he kept Jazz relics of old like ancient saxophones stolen from the graves of Jazz artists. He had hanging on his wall like proud trophies the trumpet of Louis Armstrong and the mummified hand of Duke Ellington. Sebastian went to his refrigerator where he kept blood taken from kidnapped Jazz singers and went to his shrine of Jazz where bones of departed Jazz musicians were shaped in form of eight-armed idol.

"Mighty Jazz Gods I have found the princess who will be my everything. On this alter I will deflower her womanhood and insert the sweet nectar of jazz into her she-thighs." Sebastian said holding cup of cursed blood and pouring it on altar. Sebastian closed his eyes and delusions of grandiosity filled his manless mind. He then dressed in his jazz suits and waltzed out to go to Jazz club destinies.

Meanwhile Mia was at her apartment thinking about events of the day. She wanted to be actress but she met man of love.

"Mia don't be fool girl. You want to be actress more than cows want to milk." Said Mia's Roommate #1 with concern.

"Yeah girlfriend, no man is worth price of your dreams." Said Mia's roommate #2 with sassy woman style.

"Listen to roommate #1 and roommate #2 they are telling you the wisdom of truth." Said Mia's roommate #3 with advice.

"I do not know, I am full of confusion. We had sparks like thunder in a rod. He could be man of my dreams and light of my love." Mia said with dream filled eyes.

"Be careful, love is like two headed serpent. One head dances and the other head bites." Said Mia's roommate #1 with teaching.

Mia put on her prettiest dress of shiny crimson and walked out into street. After walking with steps she came to Lipton's Jazz club, where all who was Jazz went. Sebastian was waiting for her outside.

"Hello Mia, I am glad to be seeing you made it." Said Sebastian with eyes like wolf.

"You are looking dashing Mr. Sebastian, but I am full of nerves. I do not know what Jazz is." Mia said with wondering caution.

"It is ok. Soon you will learn. This is hallowed halls of Jazz. In this temple you must show respect and do as I say. Prepare your mind for expanding." Sebastian said as he led her into club. Sebastian walked in with chest puffed like peacock in July. Inside sound of Jazz surrounded Mia like cloud of mist. Decorations of Jazz history were hung on walls. On back wall a painting of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington high-fiving hung proudly for world to see.

Sebastian went to bar to order them drinks and chat with Club Manager. Mia looked around club surroundings taking in all sights with her mind's eye. Everything was new but old. All was stale yet fresh, like apple left to rot. In corner of her eye she noticed a figure of mystery sitting in corner, an orange shadow radiating jazz and manliness. The only company he shared was his lasagna and two baker's dozen sexy ladies. Mia asked nearby jazzman who this mystery man was.

"Who is that mystery man?" Asked Mia pointing to beaming orange form of masculine perfection. As she spoke the figure looked up from lasagna and stared into her soul. His eyes burned like two balls of lasagna dripped with testosterone and set on fire.

"That is Garfield, the ultimate man and greatest Jazz musician in the history of spacetime." Said the Jazz man with awed respect.

"But I thought Sebastian was greatest Jazz musician of all?" Asked Mia with pondering.

The Jazzman scoffed with mocking. "Sebastian is a two-bit baby playing in puddles of woe. Garfield is true master of Jazz and everything."

As Mia contemplated words, Garfield continued to eat lasagna with majesty of king and virility of barbarian. Sexy ladies stroked Garfield and ogled him with eyes of swooning seals. Garfield paid no heeds and took out lasagna cigarette and smoked it like the man. Sebastian returned with drinks and saw that Mia was caught in mesmerization by the studly mountain of man muscle. His eyes flashed with jealousy and his voice squealed like little girl in a grinder.

"What are you looking at?!" Cried Sebastian like infant.

"That mighty mystery man of manhood. I hear he is greatest jazzman of all known universe." Mia said dreamily as she stared at Garfield.

"That is surefire nonsense! I am the one true guardian of Jazz! Foolish cat like Garfield could not understand!" Sebastian yelled with self-delusional lies. Sebastian was getting ready to slap Mia again when Club Manager went on front stage to make announcements.

"Greetings all Jazz people. I am glad to hear you all on this fine evening. In celebration of Jazz we will be having Jazz off. The first prize is honor of the jazzman and 100 gallons of lasagna." Announced Club Manager with proclamation.

Sebastian's ears peaked at hearing of the contest. This was chance like none other to prove to all who the Jazz champion was. He pushed Mia away and rushed to stage hopping into piano seat.

"I will be first contestant and show you all the star power of Jazz." Sebastian said as he touched piano keys with fingertips like eager octopus clutching prey. He played piano with clumsy melodies and little jazz soul. He was making sure flat fool of himself but he was convinced of his majesty. A fat sweaty man in back of club was fuming with rageful contempt at the mediocre jazz he was hearing. Drops of sweat and contempt escaped from fat pores as his fat face brooded with sorrow. He had traveled from farthest lands and it was clear he would not hear rightful proper jazz from the fool called Sebastian. After Sebastian finished self humiliation he stood up and bowed, but everyone frowned and booed. The fat sweaty man stood in sullen and shook his head with disapproving.

"It seems art of Jazz is truly dead. Will not real man come up and show us true nature of Jazz?" Asked the Club Manager with dying hope. With sudden movements the orange shadow of mystery put out his lasagna cigarette and stood up. All turned around with eyes of looking as they saw figure of Olympian manhood walk to front stage. His body was chiseled like Martian canyons and his muscles were hard like steel diamonds.

"Garfield, will you show us true Jazz?" Asked the Club Manager with caution.

He looked at Club Manager with the volcano eyes of Mt. Justice. Without words, Garfield took out saxophone from his pocket and began playing the solo from Tina Turner's 'One of the Living'. The melody of pure jazz overcame all in audience. Men stood up and clapped their hands and screamed in glee, ladies crawled on their knees and wept tears of revelation. The sweaty fat man in back smiled for first time in 30 years and sweat drops of joy ran down his very fat face. Tears ran down faces of the painted figures of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington at the sheer force of pure jazz.

After Garfield finished his solo of Jazz supremacy the Club Manager went back to mic for congratulations. "I think no more contestants are needed, it is clear who is winner. Garfield, you are true icon of Jazz for all ages, please accept the honor or the jazzman and this 100 gallons of lasagna." The Club Manager congratulated with awed humbleness.

Garfield took his wagon of lasagna in manly silence and returned to his seat. Sebastian was throbbing with fiery fury.

"I am the savior of true Jazz! Not this cat! He will pay my piper!" Sebastian thought with stupid ignorance.

"He was very good." Said Mia with approval of Garfield's manly jazz.

"Silence stupid girl! You would not know Jazz if it spat on your face!" Sebastian spat with spiteful bile. Sebastian marched over to Garfield's table like lumbering puny weakling and slammed his feeble hand on Garfield's table.

"Garfield! You are damned fool and imposter! You are all commercial! You play jazz for lasagna not love. Jazz is greater than lasagna! Lasagna is food of boneless weaklings!" Sebastian screeched like owl begging for death.

Garfield stood up with velocity of jetliner.

"You spew ramblings like neutered Hyena. Impotent and full of nonsense." Garfield said with truthful righteousness.

"You are nonsense! Lasagna is nothing to Jazz!" Sebastian protested with sobs.

"Spineless puppy. Jazz is nothing to lasagna. When world is shattered and Earth is dust, Jazz will die like all things, but Lasagna will live and so will I. But not you." Garfield said with depths of thousand oceans.

"I silence you!" Squealed Sebastian as he slapped Garfield with infant hand. His puny palm deflected off Garfield's muscle might and his hand shattered into thousand bone fragments and hung limp.

"Looks like I need to be slapping sense into you." Said Garfield as he grabbed Sebastian by pathetic collar and slapped his stupid face with palm of stainless stone. He slapped him 24 times but held back his power. After slapping, Garfield saw Sebastian was near death, he went to bar and poured cold water on his face and used deliberator to waken him, so he could slap him some more. He then slapped Sebastian 24 more times to instill lessons of wisdom into the fool's leaden skull.

"Now do you know what is best?" Asked Garfield with tudorship as he gripped weak pencil neck.

"I Know Jazz is best and I will be greatest jazzman of all millennia." Sebastian said with stubbornness. He then spat blood and tooth at Garfield's feet in fool's defiance.

"Your words are worms and your head is the king of worms. Go burrow in mud with your fellows." Garfield said with iron clad justice has he tossed Sebastian out of window. Entire club got up on feet and applauded Garfield. They cheered and whistled at his manly rightness. School bus stopped outside in front of Sebastian and school children got out to point and laugh at him. Sebastian got up and limped home, tears of salty sorrow running from bruised cheek.

Inside club, Garfield enjoyed just deserved compliments from all. Mia approached Garfield with desire flaming in eyes and in her skirts.

"Garfield you are true man. I thought I was in love with Sebastian but I see he is a pathetic loserman. Will you come home with me and let me pleasure your manhood?" Mia said with seductive tone.

Garfield looked Mia over and saw she had supple body of desire and pretty face. "Sure thing pepper pants. I will inject my man syrup into your thighs." Garfield said with flirtations. Mia smiled with happiness at Garfield's romantic words. He led him to her apartment in other side of L.A. When they entered, Mia was embarrassed it was not mansion villa that Garfield probably had.

"I am sorry my apartment is not too big and grand." Said Mia with shame.

"It is ok tight lips, soon you will know biggest and grandest thing of all." Said Garfield with a wink. Suddenly words and motions were heard coming from other rooms. Mia's three roommates came from kitchens each wearing sexy lingerie!

"Hey there Mia, who is this most handsome guest?" Asked Mia's roommate #1 with sultry curiosity.

"He looks like prime rib of man cooked extra hunky." Said Mia's roommate #2 admiring Garfield's toned body.

"Do not hog the man buffet, let us have our share." Said Mia's roommate #3 rubbing Garfield's bicep mountains.

"This is Garfield. The ultimate man. He has come to fill our woman glasses with his pleasure milk." Mia said with honesty.

"This is right ladies. I am here to teach you my man lessons. But first thing is first, I need to judge skills of my pupils, love each other for my satisfaction." Garfield said as he sat in soft silky sofa like sultan of sex.

"Yes, Garfield as you are commanding." Said Mia with obedience. Mia slid off her sparkly dress in sexy motion revealing her luscious naked body. Her milky skin shined like wet white diamonds and her orbs glowed like neon balloons. Mia roommates took turns massaging her glow globes with hungry mouths, sucking like vampire babies draining bottles of blood. Garfield watched and nodded as he took pictures for personal collection. Mia's roommates then wrapped their nude flesh bodies around Mia like sexy sea serpents entangling poor guppy, suffocating her with supple sweaty bodies. They licked her up and down, head to toe with wet flexible tongues exploring her barista body completely. Garfield lit lasagna cigarette for smoking and sipped bourbon as he enjoyed top notch show.

"Fellow ladies, pleasure me. My body is eager for sensation of love." Mia said as she enjoyed the intimacies of her roommates. Mia and her sexy roommates then crawled onto a waterbed where they continued their sexcapades, twirling and throbbing like mass of lusty eels. Garfield filmed recordings for later examining.

"OK ladies, you put on good show, but now is time for the love samurai to tame your womanhood." Garfield said as he took off his chainmesh shirt and unbuttoned black silk pants, releasing his man monster from self-imposed prison. Garfield leaped into the mass of tangled ladies, they wrapped around him like constrictors assaulting mouse, but the mouse was not a mouse but Siberian tiger. Garfield roared with lusty joy has he collided his man meteor into their lady chasms, making them scream like out of tune accordions and moan like seasick sailors. The sweat of their loving poured out of skin like waterfall of slime, covering their bodies in sexy goo as they rolled around like hogs in pit of wet lustiness.

Meanwhile, in his apartment, Sebastian brooded while listening to NIN and yelling at it for not being Jazz. He stirred in heatful anger as he broiled over the happenings of the day. He envisioned Garfield's manly powers, besting him in Jazz and lady loving. He thought of Mia being pleasured by manly power like none other, and his mind shattered with jealous envy.

"I will become vengeance!" Screamed Sebastian with determination. His mind roiled with plots, his brain was nest of vipers scheming venomous death. Suddenly from his bone alter, he heard bellow voice of hissing chaos. A clearing image came from misty toxin fog of his mind and plan revealed itself to him.

"I know now what to do. I will go back to Lipton's and steal all their precious lasagna supply. I will consume all lasagna and become 10 times the Jazzman Garfield is!" Sebastian declared, fists clenched into palms. With his courses set, Sebastian went to his closet where he kept his crossbow. He then waltzed to Lipton's with arrogant marching feet, ready to steal the lasagna. Sebastian barged into to Lipton's kicking door open, and pointing crossbow at Club Manager.

"Halt fool! Do not be moving or I will nail your heart to a wall!" Sebastian ordered with threats.

"What are you doing, Sebastian? Has your dog mind gone to madness?" Asked the Club Manager with shock.

"No, betrayer. I know what I am doing more than anyone has before. I command you to give me your lasagna, or else I will end your being." Commanded Sebastian with spitting lunacy.

"You are a fool who demands death. Very well, it is in the back. Take as much as you can carry." Said the Club Manager with resignation. Sebastian went into back room where the club lasagna supply was kept. As he went back, the Club Manager quickly pressed a flaming red button with lasagna insignia, calling the man to action.

Garfield was laying and lounging with his ladies, enjoying moments. The ladies were exhausted by the force and endurance of his manpower. Garfield was not tired at all. Suddenly an alarm was heard from Garfield's pocket where he kept his phone.

"Looks like paradise is in trouble, that means time to rumble." Garfield said with slick style as he got up.

"What is the matter Garfield? Can you not stay?" Said Mia with reluctance.

"Sorry rose buds, but my justice dispensers need exercise." Garfield said as he loaded his Desert Eagles.

"Be careful, Garfield. We have just discovered true nature of love. Please do not die." Mia's roommate #2 said with worried concern.

"I cannot die." Garfield said as he holstered guns. "I am too good for Heaven and I am too bad for Hell."

Garfield went outside and whistled. His Red Corvette bounded from corner and stopped in front for him to board. He went into driver seat and put on cool shades and hot tunes.

"I have a hot meal of pain to serve to a fist hungry fool." Garfield said with chill coolness as he drove to Lipton's at highway speeds. Went Garfield arrived he walked into club fearless like the man. He saw Club Manager raise his hands in the air and motion to back with his eyes. Garfield nodded with knowing and went to back where he saw Sebastian stuffing lasagna in a brown burlap sack. The horror of rage ran into Garfield's mind as he saw the defiling.

"Sinful wretched slug. You cannot become so you steal. You are scum of ponds that form in sewers." Garfield said with contemptful snarl.

Sebastian turned in shocking awe. The terror of his nightmares stood before him. But he would not surrender his purpose.

"Garfield so you have come! I will take this lasagna. You will never have it! I will eat it! I will learn to love it and fuel my jazz with it!" Sebastian said with crazed wickedness.

"Fool. Beauty of lasagna is not for jazz or anything else. It is for its own means its own ends. Your mind is pyramid of puke trapped in desert of vomit. You have breathed your last." Garfield stated with cold fact.

"No! My time has not come! I have life full of jazz to live!" Sebastian said with panic as he saw embodiment of death in front of him. He ran out back exit and down alleyway into streets, sack of lasagna in his slimy grips. Garfield followed staying on his tail with effortless ease. Sebastian ran onto highway traffic jumping on cars to get away from Garfield, but Garfield stayed on him like cat on magnet. Other people began to jump on cars and sing and dance getting in Garfield's way but he back handed them to their ultimate ends.

"Justice cannot be stopped by dance distraction." Garfield said with stoic manhood. Garfield began flipping cars in front of him like carboard toys, tossing them into oceans watery abyss. Sebastian looked over his shoulder with panic, eyes bulging in fear.

"No! I will escape!" Cried out Sebastian in tearful hysteria. Garfield's eyes of manly judgement were unfazed by whimpering howls.

"I will pave road to hell with your blood and build a freeway with your bones." Garfield exclaimed with iron will. Sebastian stumbled away overcome with the horror that he could not escape. Finally, he came to dead end of unfinished highway. It overlooked ocean abyss and there was no running for the fool.

"Garfield, please! Take the lasagna back! Spare my being!" Sebastian pleaded with sobbing pathetic.

Garfield stood in masculine perfection, rising morning sun reflected off his abs with rays of majestic beauty. He slowly shook mighty head.

"It is time to enter the dreamless sleep. My fist will be your lullaby." Garfield said with just retribution. Garfield took Sebastian by neck and then lifted him high to the sky. His grip began to choke life out of the evil slime and his face went white with chalk. Finally, tired of the game, Garfield raised him higher with both hands to the sky with offering motion.

"Allies of the sky! Hear me and feast on sinful flesh!" Garfield echoed to the unending air. At his calling, birds of prey soared down with swooping and began pecking at Sebastian as he screamed in agony. They feasted on his insides and pecked out his eyes and as he yelped in undignified torment. When they had their fill the birds went back to nests to feed young.

"Be careful, air pollution is bad for your allergies." Garfield said with dry wit. He then with manly will summoned toxic smog cloud from depths of Los Angeles. The smog cloud overcame them and melted torn remains of Sebastian down to skeleton. Garfield blew remaining smog away with hurricane force.

"Looks like your career just sank." Garfield quipped as he tossed skeleton into ocean abyss where it sunk into depths. After dispensing of justice Garfield saw figures approach, it was Mia and roommates!

"Garfield I am so glad you are among living." Mia said with relief.

"It was nothing sugar coats, I eat lasagna and breathe judgement." Garfield said as he put arm around his lucky ladies. As Garfield caressed his ladies with his man arms and pinched their behinds, glittering ghosts appeared before him. It was the spirits of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington!

"Garfield, we have come from afterlife to thank you for defending purity of jazz." Said ghosts of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington with gratitude.

"I was just doing the duty of the man." Garfield said with manly humbleness.

"You have dealt with usurping defiler and proved to be true jazz champion. In honor of your heroics we want to give you this." Said the spirits of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington taking from their ghostly pockets golden trumpet with diamonds and lasagna insignia. It glowed with majestic Jazz powers and the lasagna symbol burned with blazing brightness.

"Thank you my friends, I will take this trumpet and defend honor of Jazz and Lasagna." Garfield said taking trumpet with manly hands.

"Very good Garfield, you are indeed real man. Let fortune shine on your paths." The spirits of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington said with approval.

"Thank you my afterlife allies, but now I have to show these ladies how to blow other kind of trumpet." Garfield said with wink as he put arms around ladies and walked back to apartment. The spirits of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington gave Garfield thumbs up as he walked into sunset with eager beaver divas ready to rumble beds like none other.

The End…?


End file.
